Susannakwan’s Weblog

The relationship between myself and the Tam’s Family hit a major road-block after the UK visit in the Summer of 2006.  For those who know, the non-molestation order swiftly folllowed the “UK Hammer House of Horror Trip 2006″.  Pages and pages of second-hand hearsay from my Ex and his family were based on fabrications and twisted facts, that they super-imposed on the Tam’s Family.  Beleive me that the Tam’s were all over my Ex’ clan’s afidavits against me.  In a nut shell, the Tam’s are supposed to find me an “inappropriate mom” to Maddy. 

I have arranged for Ex’s dad (who reminded me of an “old fox”) to be Ming’s paid guardian in England.    And the 2006 UK trip was very much like the official “launching” of that relationship.  Sadly, that “I am the Guardian” card was played out extensively by my Ex’ clan.  I never focused much, if ever, on strategy and politics.  I, who have always lived a pampered life, and whose life was very mcuh guarded and protected by my dad, never realised that those close to you could hurt you so mach and in such a malicious way.  But, anyways, we all live and learn.

Thereafter, the Tam’s Family was scared, for they were continuously demanded by my Ex and his dad to stand in court against me.  We saw each others less for a few months, as a result.  But, strangely and healthily, our relationship recovered itself and is enhanced in its depth.  The last 2 years since the non-molestation order, was to me hell, and thankfully I have been allowed a small corner and a part of the dining table of the Tam’s family home.  Sometimes, I even fell asleep in their living room’s sofa.  Perhaps, that was kind of a safe “sanctuary” for me, when life was tough.

People say “time flies when one is having fun”.  But, frankly, “time flies”.  Ming will be in 1st year at the Redding University in a month and Andrew is already 8 and is in Primary 3.  Andrew has ceased to play closely with Maddy for a long time.  He now likes to play with older boys.

Yesterday, I had dinner with the Tam’s family again.  In fact, if you were to ask anybody that knows of me and my divorce, they would know about the existence of this family.  This remarkable family which has such high individual as well as aggregate EQ (emotional quotient) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_quotient, which withstood all the aftermath of my divorce.  And the very same family which has provided me all the apt support which I needed to journey through the last 4.5 years.  I was lucky enough to have met them since Maddy was born. 

In life, God closes the door, but opens a window. 

Maddy’s dad has a huge chip on his shoulder.  He has always been uncomfortable and cantankerous amongst my freinds.  My friends are all like me (upper middle class, US/UK educated/graduated, professional background and born with a metal spoon (some silver, some god as the case may be)). 

After Maddy’s birth and when I was convinced strongly by my Ex to stay home and be a house-bound mum, I started teaching English within the neighbourhood and hence my path crossed with Aunty Ada, the “Queen” of the Tam’s family.  She wanted to better her English and hence we became acquainted.  Aunty Ada is not easy to get to know, for she is not outgoing nor outspoken to the populace (unlike myself, who could talk to a tree or a rubbish-bin, as the case may be).  Luckily, Aunty Ada’s helper of 5 years ago is Indonesian, who soon befriended my helper.  Thereafter, Maddy and Andrew (the youngest son and the “King” of the Tam’s family) became playmates by reasons of our helpers’ need of convenience.  Andrew is now 8 years old.  When Andrew was 4, Maddy was 6 months old and since then, they had already been playing together lots.  Andrew reminds me hugely of my favourite cousin Mathew.  They are both as good looking, clever and as cheeky.  Mathew is a born salesperson and so is Andrew.  One time, when I was taking Maddy and Andrew out, some salesgirls asked me if Andrew is my son and how I wish that!!!!

Once I bothered more with Aunty Ada and Andrew, Uncle Alan, the “Protector” of the Tam’s Family started to know of me and Maddy more.  I have always told Aunty Ada how lucky I think she is.  In Chinese we would say that “such luck, you have to aggregate within a few life terms”…  Aunty Ada must have had done something really nice in her last life (save for having to “feed” me as a constant house guest, she would say cheekily in return).

We became closer in fact after I became the English tutor of Ming (ie. the eldest son and the “Diplomat” of the Tam’s family).  Unlike Aunty Ada, MIng never “schived” from his lessons as much, as such, our relationship stablilized alot with reference to time.

One thing led to another, me, Maddy and my Ex ended up “scrounging” meals at the Tam’s Family regularly.  The Tam’s English has huge room for improvement, as such I acted as the translator and could edit out the socially “inapt” remarks that punctuated every other sentence uttered by my Ex.  Uncle Alan is very well versed in any event, and he somehow has the ability to overlook “crap”.  Given the Tam’s Family is nice and “praiseful” to my Ex and given they always pay for meals (which plays right into my Ex’ hands), my Ex liked them alot.  Deeply, I was glad that at least I could then hang out with some friends again and so could Maddy.  Looking back, Maddy and I had been “eating guests” of the Tam’s Family for 4 whole years.  I ate there more than I ate at my parents (since I left home to UK).  Their house feels to me a “second home”, where I could really put my head down and rest.

Maddy has been in UK since 16th August 2008 and would only be back next Monday (1st September 2008) and I could not tell you how much I miss her.

Since France, she has been testing my limits constantly and consistently.  In fact, I broke down in tears in the restaurant Ruby Tuesday in the night of 15th August 2008, when she was due to leave me that night.  She told me that she would rather spend time with the helper, for I was not “special” enough.  That hurted.  Meanwhile, her screaming in Ruby Tuesday and her beating up my ex-colleague Aaron Ma (who only came over to say hello) with her bare hands did not help. 

Aaron (a father of a pair of beautiful twin girls) told me not to worry, but ironically gave me the number of a psychologist.  I ended up calling up SK Shum the life coach instead.  After spoken to SK, it dawned on me that life (which has now gone quiet on me) may need some uplifting, as giving my 100% focus on Maddy would be counter-productive to all.  Not that I should be easy and boundariless on Maddy, might I add, though.

Looking back, the last 2 years had been real “hell”.  All the harrassment, manipulation and under-handed actions pioneered by my Ex did put me through huge challenge, strain and stress.  Now that the worst bit is over, I really feel very happy and liberated.  Resentful I would stay for a while though, for although I am not great at bearing grudges and that I do have a goldfish memory, his dishing me with a non-molestation order (fabricated and punctuated with bits and bats of recordings/emails that my Ex collated on me, in clandestine, since Maddy was 1 year old) is rather UNFORGETTABLE.  When Maddy and I were in France this Summer, I saw this black “man” like ornament on which toothpicks could be stuck.  I bought one, with “voodoo” on my mind.  But, I gave that away to a colleague as an office desk-top ornament.  I am christened as a child in any event.

Since the infamous non-molestation order was slapped on me in September 2006, I did toy with the idea of getting a boyfriend.  Looking back, I was so edgy that I should be happy just to have had made some friends or just stayed sane.  Yesterday during dinner, my friend asked me

“Susanna, do you think you would get married again?”. 

“You are joking me, right?”

“You know what, I would never get married again ever, even if this time I can get HK$4.5 million in return, let alone my having to risk giving another HK$4.5m away.  No way on God’s good earth.” 

I recited this here as an anecdote for I found this little bit of conversation funny.  At least, I could now joke about things. 

Recently, I met this guy that I am really really fond of.  I have not felt like that for bloody decades.  Quietly, I feel thankful that my capacity for romance and affection had not wilted away along with my acrimonious divorce.  Thankfully, my heart had not died, which showed that I am an individual of much resilience.  

There is no prospect between me and the subject in the traditional sense.  But, what prospect have I had developed when I married my Ex, when the only reason that I married him was because I thought that there would be a prospect?  Since the prospect that I ended up having developed with my Ex is his haggling me at court, lying through his teeth simply to revenge on me and squeeze me dry, I rather opt for having no prospect.  Yes, NO prospect is GOOD prospect and romance is romance.  Thank god that the human brain (or at least mine) comes in different departments, such that the closing of one will not collapse them all.